ELECTION SPECIAL

I popped into Pilton Stores on Friday afternoon just to buy some Westgate Farm pork chops for my tea and there was a right old commotion going on. I believe they call it a media circus. There was awoman with a camera, another with a notebook, the local copper PC 4972 Andy GREENSLADE, mind you he always seems to be in there, a few herberts all done up in suits alongside a little weazilly, shifty looking chap and a larger bloke with no eyebrows and one of them outback bush hats on. This bloke kept going on about how he had never been a professional politician, how local he was and what an immensely successful business man he was. Heather and Geoff looked on rather bemused. As, I tried to push myself through to the cold counter the bloke in the bush hat brazenly introduced himself to me as Philip Milton the Conservative candidate for North Devon in the forthcoming election, I thought I recognised him,  he then pushed forward the weazilly shifty looking smaller chap forward whom he introduced to me as George Young shadow minister for something or another. I was rather taken aback to say the least and almost knocked over the Bobbys biscuit shelf as I attempted to hasten my way to the back of the store. I told 'em I was a Catholic and that seemed to do the trick as they headed off to cram themselves into the Victorian Tea rooms or the beauty salon.

After this occurrence I decided put my mind to closely scrutinizing the candidates for North Devon in the Election on My 6th. Well not all of them. I believe in free speech but that doesn't mean I'm personally going to give them publicity.

NICK HARVEY - LIBERAL DEMOCRAT

This is Nick Harvey the current liberal MP for North Devon. He is an off the peg LD MP he ticks all the boxes. What his actual policies are I haven't got a clue. But all I know whatever your problem he'll deal with it. I had to get in touch with him about the Squire's insistence that I fix me guttering so I phoned up his office, a nice young maid answered and I told her all about my guttering. She said that she'd bring it to Nick's attention and blow me if the next day a packet arrived from the House of Commons containing a brand new Jewsons catalogue and a compliment slip signed my Nick himself sending me his best regards.  In my own poll he is the early leader in the race for my vote. However, I'm not going to make me mind up until at least after the next telly debate.

PHILIP MILTON - CONSERVATIVE

The big I am in my book. Ask anyone in North Devon you'd be hard pressed not to someone who doesn't know of this bloke. His propensity for self publicity is only bettered locally by that Matt Fiddes character. Against his claims about being a successful businessman and creator of jobs I only have to ask what happened to the people he made redundant when he suddenly closed down his Christian bookshop just before Christmas last year? He also makes great play about his christian faith but this does not seem a very christian thing to do nor really help the creation of jobs in the town. I reckon his Christian beliefs should also be taken into account as I know the church he belongs to been there myself a rather was frogmarched own there by an old associate they are a right bunch of gabbling in tongues, doom merchants. A mate of a mate of mine was at the old grammar school with him and they reckon he was a right odious little twerp. I've seen him about town and all over the years and put him down as a rather snidy type. Also, he can't spell or rather can't decide if he is an independant financial adviser or an independent one! Currently lives out at Trimstone Manor which is rather befitting for a prospective millionaire Conservative MP. He runs it as a country house hotel and is in the process of doing it up. Don't mention potential expenses. I went out there the other day and it was a job half done, bags of cement lying about the place, mixers with weeds growing around the wheels and an unpacked pallet of bricks. That sort of thing. Don't like him. Still it's the policies you vote for not the personality isn't it.

MARK CANN - LABOUR

Nice bloke. I was at school with his brother Steve. I was a Labour voter during my economic exile in South London and at heart I'm a socialist but to tell you the truth the Labour Party have tested my patience over the last few years. I like Gordon Brown but I'm afraid to say the Cider tax was the last straw even though they have backed down due to the hue and cry that arose from these here parts. I still had to spend out a good few quid which I was putting by for my trip to Cricket St Thomas and weekend break down in Paington, taking in Kent's Cavern and Babbacombe Model Village, the last week of June. That's in jeopardy now.

STEVEN CROWTHER - UNITED KINGDOM INDEPENDENCE (Milton get out your vocab book) PARTY

I know nothing of this bloke. More than likely he'll turn out to be an amiable prat like their party spokesman. Still, from the amount of posters they've put up including a bloody massive one on the Bickington Road they appear to have a fair amount of support



L'ANNE KNIGHT - GREEN PARTY

 
I'm confused about this lot. Now I'm green. I recycle, I'm always darning my socks and patching the knees in my trousers. I use old Lambrini bottles for my elderflower wine. I respect the countryside. I'm partial to a bit of roadkill. Use organic manure on my garden and I own a  share in a chicken. Plus, I feed the ducks down at Pilton Bridge. I am also a countryman and enjoy my field sports and I've been riding the same bike foe twenty three years. How much greener can you get but according to this lot I reckon they think I'm the devil incarnate. I guess I'm the wrong shade of green, brown more than likely.


SCREAMING LORD SUTCH - HONORARY CANDIDATE NORTH DEVON

He passed away a few years back now but to my way of thinking we could do with a few more candidates like him plus a North Devon election campaign has never been the same without him. I met him a few times, lovely bloke a diamond in the rough as they say. I was in the Marshals in 1983 when he came in with his entourage and we had a right old laff, spent all day in there at some point if my memory serves me right someone got out a guitar and we was playing all the old tunes. He came back to my cottage and he ended up dancing on top of the phone box outside. Crazy days.

REMEMBER YOUR VOTE WILL COUNT. SO USE IT.